friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.