My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
thanks auntie mary
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Straight people are cancelled
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.