i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”