I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.