As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
You Might Also Like
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
This is my bus stop.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.