May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Not today
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??