The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Damn what did I do next
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans