Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
How is it still this week?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I can fix him.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.