Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
this came to me in a vision
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL