Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I wish this was real life…
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…