My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again