Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
what’s the point then??
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Said the murderer.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.