“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste