My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
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Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.