Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
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I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
❤️❤️❤️
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill