Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”