*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
How about daylight saves us for once
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.