*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw