That was easy.
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Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing