I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”