Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.