At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me too 😆
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: