why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.