[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.