Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Sorry not sorry.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.