Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.