People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
2 years later
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes