Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.