Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Awesome parenting 😂
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Note to self: always read the final line
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.