“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door