me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.