When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Don’t forget to tip your server
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks