*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”