*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
You Might Also Like
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I think we should hear other voices.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”