me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale