I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
You Might Also Like
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks