Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now