Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
called in thicc to work this morning
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The options really are this bad
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”