When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.