Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.