I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
🤣
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Solving a traffic jam
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.