even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
lol