If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom