(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
How do you like your Corgi?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
He is just living hist best little life 😊