The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
You Might Also Like
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.