I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
sir, my pâté if you please
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Yes
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.