You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.