My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
what are they serving at kfc then???
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
beware of dog
(jukin media)
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.