age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”