Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I only eat vegetarians.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime